


Rebirth ∞

by Snowingiron



Category: Captain America (2011), Kings, Once Upon a Time (TV), Political Animals
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, I Don't Even Know, Kings Season 1, M/M, Once Upon a Time Season 1, Other, Political Animals Season 1 Episode 1+2, Reincarnation, The Winter Soldier - Freeform, This contains Spoilers for: Captain America - The first Avenger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 16:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowingiron/pseuds/Snowingiron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>and when you finally touch the light they send you back into the night.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When Bucky dies he thinks everything will be over, that he can finally rest in peace. But there are so many more lives to live... until he gets mad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rebirth ∞

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apfelhalm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apfelhalm/gifts), [Schattentaenzerin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schattentaenzerin/gifts).



> I actually wrote this story in my own language and it's even harder to translate than writing it in english in the first place. AyaScythe isn't english either but she was an awesome Beta and I hope together we could erase all mistakes.
> 
> So... We had a lot of Sebastian Stan feelings and when I watched Kings and political Animals I thought all the characters he played were kind of connected to each other... and that's the outcome ^^
> 
> I'm on [Tumblr](http://snowingiron.tumblr.com/) too

_and when you finally touch the light they send you back into the night_

 

Bucky has a good life.  
He has a family, friends and he knows exactly how he wants his future to be. A house, a work that pleases him and someone that he loves, someone he can grow old with.  
Then war breaks out and all you can hope for is to stay alive. Bucky is ready to fight and to defend his country, but at this point he doesn't know that it's not the fighting that will scare him. It's to be imprisoned; being alone. Alone with time, waiting, pain.  
When you're fighting you can't focus on such minor feelings. You have a mission and you'll do anything to complete it. Sometimes Bucky isn't sure what he's fighting for anymore:

America?

Freedom?

Family.

Friends.

Steve.

_Steve._

His reasons to fight are shrinking day by day. And when he's lying on that table, strapped down, he remembers a house, a family, a life. It all seems so far away now.  
Afterwards it's only Steve and that's okay, because Bucky couldn't imagine a life wihout Steve.  
But sometimes he feels ashamed when he thinks of fighting with Captain America as an excuse for not returning home. For not sinking into insignificance. But that's not the point. He wants to watch Steve's back, wants to protect him. Even though Steve doesn't need him anymore...  
Bucky realises that Steve fits better into the Army and the war than he does, and it's hard to admit but Steve actually never needed him. It's quite the opposite: Bucky needs Steve. More than anything.

„Bucky, I can't do this without you.“

He presses his lips together and shakes his head. „You won't have to.“

He's sorry that he lied. In his defense: At that moment, he didn't know any better.  
He didn't know that his story would end this way. But next to fear and regret there is relief, too. Relief that he doesn't have to worry about his future anymore.  
So when he falls, he falls into snow, into the white light at the end of the tunnel. His hand reaches out to a beautiful angel who smiles and embraces him. She's so endlessly warm. So for one moment, he believes that he finally found peace.  
Then everything gets cold and he doesn't know how to breathe anymore. So he screams. He screams for a long time until he gets tired and weak.

„Jack...“ A woman whispers against his forehead. „Prince Jack.“

It is a strange feeling to be a child again. Because even to think beyond the thoughts of a child turns out to be difficult and makes his youth very confusing. The angel who came along with him is his twin sister Michelle and he genuinely loves her, but even she finds the things he talks about strange and scary sometimes.  
In the beginning it were only trivial little things he said while eating dinner or going shopping.

„Is the war over?“ But there never was a war.

„Where's Steve?“ But there never was a Steve either.

Jack stops talking about his previous life eventually, even though there are still things he wants to say. The only one listening to him is Joseph.

„You believe me?“ Jack asks.

Joseph's fingers are stroking his hair and he smiles as if the answer was obvious. „Of course. Why wouldn't I believe you?“

Jack wants to cry, but he doesn't. He kisses Joseph until he can't breathe anymore.

„What was your name?“

„James Barnes... Steve always called me Bucky.“

„Steve?“

„He was my best friend. I made him ride the Cyclone on Coney Island.“ Jack laughs at the memory. „He totally threw up.“

Joseph smiles at him and Jack has no doubt that he believes him, which is a quite satisfying feeling. It's not a dream. Dreams are the things that are waking him in the middle of the night, when he can't remember which life they're coming from. Dreams of war, but he can't remember which one either. That's why he tries to sort his memories, to put them into drawers, labeling each one with another name.

Steve Rogers – James Barnes.

Kingdom – Jack Benjamin.

War? Both.

The life of Jack is harder to live than Bucky's, even though they're both alike. Jack isn't just somebody like Bucky was. He's a prince, he has to achieve something, to do something, to _be_ someone.

Then war breaks out and all you can hope for is to stay alive.  
It's funny how things repeat themselves again and again. Jack is afraid that the world isn't capable of handling things without this ridiculous way of conflict management.  
Again, he's not scared by the fighting. The fear comes with being imprisoned. Again. What is he fighting for this time? His king? His country? Gilboa, America, he doesn't care.  
It's the first time that he wishes someone had shot him. Killed him. Because he realises how bitter he gets and Steve would be utterly disappointed in him. Steve would know what to do, Steve would help him, he would _save_ him.

That's why Jack chose Joseph. Joseph reminds him of Steve. Not Captain America, just Steve. Joseph is gentle, warm and everything that would've fitted into Buckys concept of a happy future. Joseph is everything that this world is not.  
It's not just a phrase when he says that he really knows Jack. He knows Jack and Bucky and he loves them both. And for that, he loves Joseph more than anything else.

Jack is a big coward, though, and an insecure little boy who doesn't know how to live this life. Before he can find out, he is rescued by David Sheppard who he hates with all his heart. He hates him because he is some Captain America and stands for all the things that Jack lost and will never get back.  
Jack isn't a good son, he isn't a good soldier and when Joseph dies he doesn't even believe that he's a good person anymore.

„I needed you to know that, behind the lie, I see you... for who you really are - and I love you. And I know you love me, and I think everyone should know. No more hiding, Jack; you're too brave to be such a coward. You deserve to be who you really are... I hope this will help.“

Jack drowns in warring feelings, not sure if he should save the world or let it burn.  
He doesn't manage either of it.  
In the end, he is in a cage, with Lucinda, asking himself why he always ends up here. Maybe this time he deserves it.

„Don't do this!,“ Jack pleads, but Thomasina isn't on his side anymore.

„It's not so hard. Just close your eyes and dream of someone who's dead.“

She doesn't know that he's already doing that. Every Night.

Everything that follows is like the moment right before you fall asleep. The vague moment you can't remember and when everything is blurry. But Jack thinks that he hears Lucinda sobbing, while she's covering his face with a pillow.  
He's not mad at her. If he could breathe, he would thank her.

Maybe it's naive to think that it could be finally over. Or that at least he won't have to remember everything that came before. He's not Bucky anymore, he's not Jack. He may be in America again, but it's nothing like he remembers it to be.

„T.J., are you coming?“ His mother calls for him but he's staring at the kiosk with all the colorful comics.  
Captain America. The Winter Soldier. He flips through the pages and finds Bucky. Different than he remembers himself, but more familiar than the woman who loves him like a son. So he's in America again, but things are so different from his time that he soon wishes himself back to Gilboa.

He starts to play the piano because that's something Bucky and Jack both would've liked to do but the war wouldn't let them. And after the war it didn't seem important anymore.  
This time he wants to do what Joseph told him and won't hide who he really is. He tells his mother that he would rather have a boyfriend than a girlfriend and she smiles and still loves him. His brother isn't scared of hugging him and his Grandma saw worse anyway. But his father is the president and sometimes he reminds him so much of Silas that T.J. is afraid to repeat his mistakes.  
He believes that Michelle followed him into this life. She was his older sister before, but this time she gave him a little head start by three minutes. Now she is T.J.'s younger brother, but still his twin. Even though she can't remember any of it, she still tries to smooth out her mistakes by taking care of T.J., no matter what. He wants to be a good brother to Doug, he wants to do it right this time. But he can't.

He takes drugs because he made so many experiences that he doesn't know if any decision he makes could be right at all.  
He tries to kill himself because it's the first time he finds the courage to do it. It doesn't work out because there are still people who care about him, no matter what he does. His mother. His brother.  
After that, he's sorry, but the feeling of being in the wrong place won't go away. He still doesn't know what to make of his life, this life, which keeps slamming doors into his face.  
He prays for his next life to be plastered with infinite doors, every one being open only for him.

His prayer is heard.

The life as Jefferson is easier in a lot of ways: The world is black and white and it's easier than wandering through a grey mist. Thousands of worlds are open to him but he can't find the ones that he's already been in. No Steve. No Joseph. No caring mother.

That's why he stops searching and meets a woman that reminds him of no one. She is very different but caring and lovely at the same time. To cope with her death is hard but Grace makes everything more bearable. She seems to be the only good that he ever did in life and he's thankful for her. His only mistake is wanting her to have a better life. He doesn't even know what this better life would be, but he knows that it must be out there. Somewhere. In this world or another.

He fails. The only thing he knows how to do.

His hatred for Regina grows. He hates her more than the Nazis or Silas. Because this time it wasn't his fault. This time he didn't act out of selfishness. He thinks it's over when the Queen of Hearts beheads him, but in this world death isn't the same as in other worlds. Here it's just a pastime. Like the Cyclone on Coney Island.

„I'm not mad“, he hisses and grabs Alice's arm roughly. She looks at him with bright blue eyes, as if she knows better.

He laughs hysterically and asks the lady for a dance. „I was a soldier once, who saved you from all evil.“ he says while the March Hare applauds rapturously. „I was a prince, who could've been a king. I was a son, who was loved but couldn't love back... I'm a hatter without a head. Where's your sympathy, little Alice?“

„Well, is sympathy that what you really want, Hatter?“

Sometimes, yes. Mostly, no.

This time, when his life gets ripped apart and Wonderland slips through his fingers, it's different. This time it's magic and Jefferson recognizes the way the new life tries to come between the old ones and wants to make him believe that he's someone else. But he lived too many lives to believe that.

Now he really gets mad. Instead of black and white, everything is black and Jefferson is tired of it. Maybe it frustrates him so much this time, because the most important thing that he lost is still so close to him. Grace is Paige now and to see her everyday is pure torture. But he won't make the mistake of meeting her and telling her who she really is. He knows how hard it is to remember an old life and he envies the people in Storybrooke for the mercy of forgetting.  
The drawers in his head are filled to the brim with thoughts and memories. The new ones will be shoved into the free spots, even if it's Jack or T.J.

And Emma, with her naivete, her arrogance and her absolute refusal to _believe_... even though she's the only one who can get it to work. The hat, the curse, everything.  
Because Jefferson didn't learn from the mistakes of Jack or T.J... He thought he was the one who had to fix it all, who could do it. That it was his mission to make everything alright. But when he stops and waits in the dark, it happens. The curse breaks.

Nothing gets easier, but many things get better. Jefferson feels like there is a new purpose with an end in view... a purpose that he actually can fulfill, even if the way is longer than the ways that lay behind him.

That's why it hits him unexpectedly when he goes to sleep and doesn't wake up as Jefferson.  
Everything feels familiar, so incredibly familiar, that he starts to shake and reaches with his hand for someone who isn't there. Then he notices the hospital bracelet with the patients name on it.

_James Barnes_

Maybe it was all a circle. Maybe he was thrown back into so many different lives, that he wouldn't disappear. So that there was a chance for him to come back...

He doesn't care, as long as he won't lose sight of his future this time.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Be Brave for Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4448684) by [sellyoursoulforagoodname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sellyoursoulforagoodname/pseuds/sellyoursoulforagoodname)




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